Be My Valentine? Five Tips to Know if Your Relationship is Doomed…or Destined By Joseph Grenny.

For decades people have suggested that relationships typically fail because of a loss of chemistry, a lack of common interests, or irreconcilable differences. The assumption has been that problems with sex, politics, money or religion are the fatal blow. At first blush, this makes sense because these topics matter a great deal to us. In truth, the extent to which two people disagree on key topics doesn’t predict relationship success. All couples disagree about a whole host of issues, and yet, not every relationship is tortured.
So, what does affect the quality of a relationship? It’s not that you disagree, it’s how you disagree. According to a study my colleagues and I conducted, couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who struggle to discuss disagreements. Ten times! Think about it. You can dramatically improve the quality of most any relationship not by eliminating differences – but by learning to discuss them in a healthier way.
When caught up in a heated discussion, the words you choose, the tone you take, the tactics you employ are more important to your relationship than the content of the argument itself. If you know how to say it, you can say almost anything to almost anybody. And you can do it in a way that actually strengthens your relationship.
Here are ten signs you are headed disaster. Any of the following patterns is toxic to a relationship. The good news is, if you can see it you can fix it. Improving the way you show up during crucial conversations can inoculate a relationship against any of these communication viruses.
Do one or both of you:

• Shy away from talking about some very sensitive topics?
• Push too hard or become argumentative when worrying you won’t be heard or get your way?
• Understate your real opinions in order to avoid provoking – or in the name of “being nice”?
• Spend more time talking than listening?
• Try to out talk the other person – using debate tactics or verbal skill to win the point?
• Harbor resentment for more than a day before bringing them up?
• Give in to the other person – then blame them later for letting you do so?
• Use time, alcohol or avoidance to deal with emotions rather than genuinely expressing them?
• Say things about the other person to friends that you would never say in his or her presence?
• Blame the other person for the way you feel?

Each of the ten questions is an example of what gums up communication and connection.
Again—the good news is that skills for speaking your mind and helping others do the same can be learned. Here are five tips for effectively holding crucial conversations with your significant other. According to our study, those who skillfully use these tips are 44 percent happier with their relationship than those who don’t.

1. Get curious. Encourage your significant other to share his or her concerns first. If you are open to hearing your significant other’s point of view, he or she will be more open to yours. One of the best ways to dramatically improve communication is to simply show genuine interest in the concerns of others. When they feel deeply understood, they have more space in themselves to understand you.
2. Manage your thoughts. Soften your judgments by asking yourself why a reasonable, rational and decent person would do what your significant other is doing. Remember: It is never about you. No matter what they are doing or saying—hear it as clues about them and not an attack on you—even if they present it as such.
3. Affirm before you complain. Don’t start by diving into the issue. Establish emotional safety by letting your significant other know you respect and care about him or her.
4. Start with the facts. When you begin discussing the issue, strip out accusatory, judgmental and inflammatory language. This is harder than it sounds. You feel like saying, “You’re a flake!” when what you should say is, “Three out of the last five times you picked me up you were more than thirty minutes late.”
5. Be tentative but honest. Having laid out the facts, tell your significant other why you’re concerned. But don’t do it as an accusation, share it as an opinion. Saying, “I don’t think that builder will do a good job” leaves room for dialogue. Saying, “He’s no good” misstates your opinion as a fact.

          KINGSMITH.