The Three Levels Of Love By Avi Z Liran

Love plays an important role in all religions and traditions. If I were to ask you to stand on one foot and explain exactly what your religion says about love, do you think you could do it? During the time of King Herod around the beginning of the Common Era (d. 10-20 C. E.) guess what happened?
The first level of love: A certain heathen came before Hillel, a virtuous, patient and compassionate rabbi and the president of the Sanhedrin and said: “Make me a proselyte, on condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot.” Hillel’s answer to him was,

What is hateful to you, do not to your neighbor: that is the whole Torah, while the rest is the commentary thereof; go and learn it. ( Talmud Shabbat 31a)

This basic level of love means that one should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated. But this prohibitive form is not enough. It does not say what should be a good way to treat the other.
The second level of love is mentioned in Leviticus 19:18:

“ Thou shalt not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the LORD.”

Better than the first level but still presumptuous. Level two of love can be a deadly trap for relationships in our personal and professional life. There are two assumptions. The first one is that "I love myself". This is a good assumption provided that it means healthy self esteem and not narcissism. The second assumption that what I love is what makes the other person feel loved does not work all the time. An extreme example is food allergies. If one loves seafood and the other person has food allergy, serving seafood can be lethal. One man's meat is another man's poison. When we “Assume” we make an “Ass (of) You and Me”.
The third level of love is

“Thy shall love the other in the way the other feels loved” ~ Avi Liran.

I have learnt this lesson the hard way in my relationships. My eureka moment came when I read the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary D. Chapman. Before that I had loved with all my heart with my own particular love language without suspecting that my partner’s primary love languages were different. My primary love language is “Words of affirmation”. Since my childhood my parents made it a point to celebrate my achievements and praise me for good job done. That increased my confidence and made me do more of the same. But what if my partner was raised in a different culture where achieving is expected and only when you are not doing well then you get attention? I thought I was loving but my partner did not feel loved. Her love language was quality time and I was a workaholic. We both tried hard to please each other with our personal specific love languages and felt unloved at the same time.
A few years ago a professional speaker mentioned to me that before he had proposed to his second wife, he decided to learn the lesson from his past relationships. He took her for dinner. As they were sitting in the bar he opened a notebook and asked her to share her expectations from her future husband. She had plenty to say and he filled a full page. One of the things she mentioned was that her forthcoming husband must bring her a flower every day. At that point he felt that she was very high maintenance. But ever since then, he has brought her a flower every day and when he travels he takes photos of flowers and sends them to her every day. After he had finished, she took the notebook and asked him what his expectations of his future wife would be: What he said, did not take a full page:

“Good sex, good food, and keep a lot of beer on ice.”

When two people establish a new relationship, it is like planting two seeds in the same pot. Relationships flourish when you nurture them and garden that pot. Different plants require a different mixture of light, sun, temperature, humidity, and fertilizer, but every relationship requires the gardeners to weed the land and cultivate it allowing the plants to grow towards each-other so they will not grow apart.
In conclusion: Do you know what makes your lover, partner, family and work members feel loved and appreciated? When was the last time you took a vacation with your partner to share your lists of how you feel loved? When was the last time you asked your peers, employees and bosses what makes them feel like they belong and happier to work with you?

Wishing you a happy Valentine Day

KINGSMITH.