Life has given me a lot of questions. So has death. By death I mean your death. In a way, I feel that I myself have directly experienced death, because a part of me left when you left the world. Before you died, I did not think I would have to face losing a parent until I was at least 40.
Even with the ignorance I had back then, I still had a lot of questions about life. Why does suffering exist? How can people that are suffering be happy? How can someone feel fulfilled at the end of their life? Few months gone, these questions became a lot more personal to me.
I began to ask myself how I could ever be happy again. I wondered everyday if anyone could ever love me in the same unconditional way that you did as a father. I held so much resentment towards the rest of our family. I did not think I could ever be fully happy again. I still do not know if I will ever feel full again, but I have come to find a lot out regarding the beginning to the answers of some of my questions.
Life is very heavy. I used to wake up and the first thing I would think is, Oh shit, my dad really is dead. I still do that now, but it is much less frequent.
I remember it used to be unbearable at times. My room was my secret getaway. When I really wanted to get away though, I took out my pen and paper. I would write and write like you used to do. . All I wanted to do was lay in bed. Everything I wrote felt so empty and meaningless, because you weren’t there to see it or cheer me on.
In a journal entry I wrote just a year after your death, I said, “Everything seems off without you here. I miss you endlessly and feel the most empty that I ever have in my life. I don’t know how the Earth can keep spinning without (DAVID-SAGA) here." I think that is still pretty applicable to how I feel.
I felt that way for over a year, until I met some new people that helped me to love life again and reminded me to appreciate the times we have with people who make us happy. That is one thing that I’m sure will never change about the way I view life. Because I have realized how temporary life is, I know how important it is to cherish every day and to try and connect with others on a deep emotional level, the way that you did.
In a way, I took your spot when you left. Not that I think I replaced you in any way or did a better job than you ever did, but because I am your 'first fruit', I stepped up and became another parent.
In one of my classes that year, we were reading a book where a sister tries to guide her brother through life while he doesn’t see much value in anything or have any motivation at all. I said that day in class, “I have a Newt." Newt was that little brother’s name. I have tried to motivate (my little sister) in almost every aspect of her life. School, career, and talking with her about boys are just a few of the things I tried to encourage her with.
All that got me through it is thinking of how you would handle it if you were in my shoes. You would say, “Work as if you’re working for the lord,” or, “When we work we work, and when we play we play.” Sometimes, however, it felt like I was doing everything all by myself. All that kept me going was knowing how much you cherish mom and (my siblings). I had to make it up to you somehow.
That leads me to a sort of meaning I have found now. I live to keep your memory alive and that's exactly what I did by naming my daughter who came on your birthday after your mother(MESETOBIOLOUNSEUNMI). I live to make you proud and make you smile wherever you are. This I have done by all achievements and successes God has helped me with.
One of my biggest fears after your death was that people would forget about you. And in part, that was true. People stop reaching out and asking how you are doing, which I have also been guilty of. It felt like I was a mannequin stuck in a window watching everyone around me continue on with their lives, when mine had just been destroyed.
I lived for months walking around thinking that my life was over. That I would not be happy or have any high goals for myself for the rest of my life. Eventually, that changed and I was able to find a new meaning to life because of my fear of myself and others forgetting about you.
Thomas Campbell said, “To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.". This quote reminds me that it is possible for me to remind people every day who you were. Even if they did not know you, it is important to me that the way I treat others makes them think, wow, who raised this boy/guy and now, man.
As I said earlier in this letter, while I was bitter about having to step up to help mom out so much with (siblings) it truly gave me a purpose when I was desperately looking for one. After realizing that it helped, I wanted to begin digging into other positive outlets, just like I have in my support groups, organizations etc.
After taking a lot of time to let myself think and reflect about both your life and death, I have realized a lot about the man I want to be. To motivate and impact with my talks and writings.
So, while death has taken away so much from me and what I hoped we would be able to experience together in the future, it has given me so much more. I am able to love, sometimes a little hesitantly, more than I was able to before. I am able to persevere more because I know I have someone to make proud from afar.
Both your life and death have given me true meaning in my life and my future. While I thought for so long that losing you would ruin me, I now see that it will make me better if I let it. No matter what happens in my life, I know I will always have at least one person cheering me on, and that is you.
My longingness for you will always be a part of me, and I will use it only to do everything I do in a more passionate way. In the process of destroying myself with questions and hopelessness, I have actually found myself.
All I can do now is thank you for the life you lived of 52 years here on Earth and what it has shown me. You have given me the ultimate meaning of life: to love humanity the way you were able to make me feel for 22 years.
Good Night Dad,
Your Proud Son,
Kingsmith Akinwale David-Saga.
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